I think that most of you…

that are following the WWBD Memorial page know me enough to know that I am a very open book kind of person. I will open my heart to those that want to know the good, the bad and the ugly. This journey is one that I hope none of you have to become a part of.

So just a venting moment… I hate being judged on MY grief timeline.
From some people you hear things like “you would have to put me in a loony bin” or “I don’t know how you do it” or “you are sooo strong”. These are frustrating things to hear because I am not in a loony bin (even though there are days I feel I should be) and so I question if I am not grieving enough. “How am I doing what I am doing”… Not sure but I still struggle every day and do my best to put my best foot forward one step at a time. And “you are so strong”… Ugh it is so easy to put a mask on and take it home with me. I do not feel strong but know that I am not where I was 647 days ago… AND for me that’s being strong enough.

Then you have those that ask every chance they get “are you getting counseling” or “are you on any medications” or those that look at you when you cry and give you the look like you should be past all of this pain and should have moved on by now.
Just a question to all of you that have not lost a child “how long would it take for you to get past the grief of losing your child?” Please don’t answer… Just ponder.

I know that everyone means well… Sometimes it is harder to tell myself that it is ok because they haven’t been through this journey but today I became very upset with someone who was judging me to my face without even asking me how long it had been, how I was handling the the grief process, etc but coldly said many of the wrong things…I should have stopped her right then and there and asked her how she would be handling it and this point and time? Some days you just want to scream these things from the rooftops… I guess today Facebook is my rooftop!
I hope nobody minds the venting…

Miss and love you BriAnna

Article Links:

Grief is a very difficult thing.

It is something that you just can not explain to someone. What I do say to those that are curious is to close your eyes and imagine for just one minute losing that one person that you feel would be the most painful to you and then imagine feeling that pain for the rest of your life.

I have come to realize that this pain is felt very differently from parent to parent, woman versus man, parents versus siblings, grandparents, friends, etc. In the last 18 months I have met some wonderful people and have found that there is no right way to grieve the loss of a child. All that I know is that I am walking this difficult journey ever so slowly the only way that I know how… day by day. The only thing that I know for sure is that I wish that I could some how prevent any other family having to go through this heartbreaking process.

Silent Grief – Child Loss Support

When our child died, the word “grief” became very real to us. We cried millions of tears, and we know that our heart will forever have an empty place reserved only for our child who is no longer living here on this earth. Society has often tried to tell us that we’re “stuck in grief”, and if we don’t “move on quickly” we are showing signs of weakness — especially a weak faith. What we know, though, is that our grief is not a sign of weakness, but rather an outward expression of the deep, ongoing love we have for our child. Never be ashamed to say you are grieving the loss of your child, but rather embrace the fact that you loved your child so much that your heart will forever feel the absence of him/her in your life! May God bless all those whose hearts are heavy today because of child loss!

Another holiday without my Bri…

The holidays just do not have the joy that they use to. Every year the kids have gotten Easter baskets with a few small gifts but the last couple of years I haven’t even thought about shopping for them. One of the boys asked where the baskets were… I welled up with tears. It is so hard to think of doing those things anymore without doing something for her. I feel horrible for the boys. Not only did we lose Bri but we have lost so much more… The sense of joy, the sense of security (both mentally and physically) and the desire to be motivated.
Recently, some one said to me you would have to put me in a looney bin if that would happen to one of my children. (Sadly, it happens quite frequently) Those words make me feel as if I am not grieving enough…like I should be in a padded room. I actually remember saying it myself before this happened. I don’t know how I am not in that looney bin but I’m not… Even though most days I feel I should be. I believe that we must have an amazing capacity to keep standing and continue to breathe… Don’t ask me how but I do even when I feel like the pain is just too much!
Just want to say to my boys… Thank you for being patient with mom. I love you both so very much!!!

Today I have no words…

No words to express the pain and heartache that I feel. Today should have been a day of celebration to celebrate BriAnna’s 20th birthday but instead it was a somber tearful day.
Today we decided that we would go out for dinner as a family and I believe that we went where BriAnna directed us. The waitress asked us if we were celebrating something special and Josh said “my sister’s birthday”. As she scanned the table I told her she had passed away, she took our order and then stated “I lost a good friend”, wells up with tears and tells us her story. She had the other waitresses come back to wish Bri a happy birthday and brought us a bowl of ice cream to share.

We also had a birthday mass for her today… Bri loved going to church, she loved to sing and was very strong in her faith. Going to church is very difficult for me. It brings me instantly back to the wake and the funeral. I relive it every time I walk into the building. It is something a parent should never have to experience. Nothing I would want any of my friends or family to ever have to live with… Please for me hug your children tight tonight and tell them you love them every chance you can.

Please remember the WWBD philosophy and for her birthday please attempt to do something to live by this philosophy in the coming days in her memory…
“We honor the memory of BriAnna by striving to always be kind, helpful, and compassionate. We lend an ear to a person who needs it, help out our community in any way we can, or simply offer a reassuring smile to brighten someone’s day. We try to love others without judgment, and remember to be a force for positivity in the world.”
Happy birthday my sweet Bri! We love and miss you so very much!