It has been 15 months since…

I was able to hold my Bri in my arms. I miss her laugh, her smile, her voice and her energy. She made our holidays bright and cheery. She loved celebrating and giving. She would wrap her gifts with love and would wear her smile so proudly. This year Randy, the boys and I spent our Christmas Eve morning together as we always do but very somberly. Our family time is what keeps me going… Their smiles and their laughter is something I can not get enough of… They are my glue! This Christmas was more emotional then last year… Our family just feels broken! Grief is an exhausting thing. I wear my mask pretty well but in fact in the inside I am trying to hold it together. My only wish this Christmas was to wake up from this nightmare and if it wasn’t a nightmare I was hoping a visit from heaven… A sign that she was with us. Unfortunately, I had neither! So all I can do is hope that my Bri is with us protecting and watching over our family….

*** To my sweet Bri:

Please know that my Christmas wish was to have you home. To have our lives back to normal. To hold you and to hear your laughter! I miss you my sweet girl. I hope you had a great Christmas with the other little ones up in the heavens!


Thanksgiving…

An act of giving thanks.
The holiday’s are exhausting and they don’t have the same meaning as they use to. They use to be a joyous occasion, a reason to celebrate, and now they bring me to nothing more than a pile of tears. I find it difficult to be thankful for much of anything this year and those that know me know that I am not that person. I continue to wear my mask by trying to maintain a smile with those around me. Unfortunately, those that I love get to see the explosion of my grief. So, that I am thankful for… that they continue to support me even when it is so very ugly. I often feel bad for my coworkers as I continue to speak of my sweet Bri every time that I open my mouth. This is something that I can not help it seems that I am programed to only speak her name. She is on my mind every minute of every day. So, that I am thankful for…that they continue to listen! This holiday is the beginning of the buzz about Christmas. The season of giving… the season that everybody should remember the mission of WWBD. Bri was the meaning of giving. Bri was an inspiration to me and those around her. I would be for ever thankful to all of you if you would please remember to give this holiday season. Donate a jacket. Shovel the elderly neighbors driveway. Teach your children the importance of giving and not just receiving AND please remember to hug your kids tight every chance that you can…they will forever be thankful!


 

There is not a day that goes by…

that I do not shed tears for the loss of my sweet Bri. I have yet been able to go through her room instead I just sit on the floor near her door and soak up the pictures, the awards, the backpack from her college classes, the empty bed, the silence…. It is an emptiness that no parent should have to go through. I have become a member of a group that nobody ever wants to be a part of… A parent of an angel!
To all of the other parents out there that are unfortunately part of this group…I will be thinking of all of you as we start to go through the tough holiday season! AND to those of you that are family or friends of this group please continue to talk about our angel and support us through this difficult time.
Please continue to spread the message of WWBD.

Through the last 13 months…

I have met so many parents who have lost a child and have heard so many horrific stories. No matter the story I say to myself, “I couldn’t imagine.” No matter how our child passed the bottom line is that our children are no longer with us. As parents we hope every night that we have a dream about our sweet child or that we get a sign that they are with us in spirit. The grief is unbearable… The pain of grief is something that you would never wish on anyone. Nothing makes me more upset then when someone tells us how to grieve. What I have found is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Take down their pictures, clean out their room, don’t blame yourself and not allowing us to talk about them are some of the ways that people have told us parents how to “deal” with the grief. In reality the way one parent grieves is not the same as another parent…the best thing our support groups need to know is that we just need you to be there….Listen! Love! Hug! Talk about our loved one! (That’s my favorite)! Let us cry! It’s okay to let us cry! Sometimes having the opportunity to cry is a way to let out our true emotions. Please just don’t tell us how to grieve… We all need our support groups to be there for us!

I would like to send hugs to those of you that have been there for Randy and I and have allowed us to grieve the way we need to! Hugs!!!

Miss you my sweet Bri… I will be watching for you in my dreams!!


Today has been a tough day…

Last year at this very moment I was sitting on the couch watching TV with Randy laughing and enjoying life. I was exhausted from my long 12 hour shift but still had a sense of joy. At about 8:30 pm I heard both BriAnna and Brandon laughing about something downstairs. I told Randy “there those two go again!” and laughed about them giggling. Never realizing that this would be the very last time that I would hear that uplifting laugh of hers! At 10:45 Randy went downstairs to say good night and that was when our nightmare began! Life as I once knew it was gone forever! The joy, excitement and the feeling that life is safe and fair was stripped from all of us. Her loss has left my heart with a gapping hole. How does a person accept that your child dies of unknown causes. That leads me to the question.. why then? Why? WHY? WHY!!! The boys and I continue to struggle everyday but we do our best to hold each other up. I can’t thank everybody enough for being here for us today. I know that it has been difficult for everybody to always hear about my Bri (every time that I open my mouth), to always have a shoulder, to put up with my tears and to attempt to try and cheer me up but please understand that I continue to try and get through each day the best way that I can. One way that you can help is to keep Bri’s memory by remembering the WWBD motto and spread the message by Lending a hand! Not judge! Volunteer to those in need! Be the better person! Pay it forward! Friend those that may not have any friends! Give a hug! And as Bri would always do remember to smile – It might just change a life!

Please hug those around tight tonight!!! Thank you again for the support today! Hugs to all of you!!!